I'll show you inconvenient.

So our landlord deemed our  January flooding issue "inconvenient" She's charging us for damages to wall (ie mold) and dirt left behind after we moved out and the fact that the apartment was not pristine upon move-out...

Let's consider that she knowingly rented an apartment that was not weatherproof and described upon move-in that there is a small possibility of a minuscule puddle appearing in one corner if excessive rains came through....

Needless to say, nine months later, I was a little shocked when I came home to 1 to 2 inches of standing water over my entire apartment.... Seems more like a lake than puddle.

Witness the "inconvenience" yourself...

Also I apologize for the inability to operate an iphone camera...

This shit is bananas.

Can I just say how ABSURDLY excited I am about this recipe?

I don't really know why... other than the fact, of course, it is DELICIOUS.
Ice cream. Everyone loves ice cream. Or should. But there is that whole... heavy cream, buckets of sugar thang that really gets in the way....
Lactose and I have never really gotten along. We finally broke up a few years ago. I mean there's been the occasional fling here and there, but I finally said enough is enough. And last night I found something new, better, healthier, happier.


okay this is getting a little weird... to the point!

Ice cream... ish.... No ice cream maker required.

I was trolling the internets and came across a similar banana ice cream recipe. Of course. I can't leave anything alone, so here is my own delicious rendition.... The recipe is totally versatile, the banana is the only thing required. Mix in berries or flaked coconut or whatever your heart desires.


Banana Chocolate Almond Ice Cream 


Recipes makes about 2.5678 cups of deliciousness

Ingredients

3 medium, ripe (freckled!) bananas
2 tbls fresh ground almond butter (optional)
2 tsp cocoa powder (optional)
1/4 cup dark chocolate cocoa nibs (choc chips)



Peel and slice bananas into bite size pieces. Layer on a cookie sheet and place uncovered in freezer for 3-8 hours (yes hours, I just threw them in the freezer before I left for work).


Place frozen bananas in food processor with blade attachment and blend until almost smooth (about 45-1 minute). Add almond butter and cocoa powder and blend for another 30 seconds or until well incorporated (or whatever ingredients you run with) Add cocoa chips and pulse 10-15 times.


Scoop and enjoy!

This makes a lot of ice cream, so store extra in a tupperware in the freezer:)

flower power

I was scrolling through the good ol' pinterests the other day, while hard at work, and found an intriguing cauliflower pizza crust recipe.

I've been craving pizza.  I think its moving that brings out that specific desire?  BUT in spite of all the crazy shit that's been happening I've managed to mostly stick to my paleo guns for my bootcamp crew (minus hospital turkey sandwich, can you blame me?)
So I was especially intrigued by this flourless crust that could play host to pizza like toppings...

The original recipe called for lots of cheese and some milk, so I hit my vegan recipe sources (what what) and managed to find a vegan cauliflower crust recipe.

I doctored it and such for consistency sake. Now I need to be really honest. This isn't a fantastic, hands down I will never eat real pizza again, kind of recipe. It's okay. I mean it's fine. Wow I am really selling it.

I have to say that I didn't set myself up for success when attempting this recipe. The much needed cuisinart is living at a friends house momentarily, so I riced my cauliflower with the immersion blender. I really don't recommend doing that. Ever. Also. I used my pizza stone and floured it with almond meal... This concoction does not get "doughy" like dough. its mostly like a paste.... So I burned the damn crust to the stone.... I still maintain it was fine...

The recipe made enough for two eight inch crusts, so the second time I just baked on a cookie sheet and it was again, equally, fine.

The topping combination was ROCKSTAR DELICIOUS though.

So here is the recipe. Play. See if you can make it happier.

Cauliflower Crust

1 cup almond flour
1 head of cauliflower, chopped
3 flax eggs or 3 regular chicken eggs
Pinch of sea salt
1 tsp italian seasoning

Preheat oven to 450F

Pulse cauliflower in a food processor (SERIOUSLY), until riced (does that even make sense? Basically itty bitty crumbly cauliflowers..)

In a large bowl combine riced cauliflower and eggs. Add almond flour in quarter cup increments and mix until throughly combined.

Okay here is where it gets weird. This is your "dough." Spread half of it on a greased baking sheet into a 1/2 inch thick circle.

Chuck this concoction into your preheated oven and let it bake for about 25 minutes.

Meanwhile prepare your toppings.

Sweet Potato Caramelized onion goodness (toppings for two pizzas)

1 sweet potato sliced into very thin rounds
1 large onion roughly chopped
2 tablespoons dried rosemary
2 cups chopped kale, rough stems removed
1 can tomato sauce
Lightly grease a large fry pan and warm over medium high heat. Toss in onions once pan is hot. Spray oinions with a little olive oil, just to coat and a dash of salt. Stir over high heat for 1-2 minutes. Turn heat to low and cover, allowing the onions to sweat and caramelize, stirring occasionally. Once the onions start to brown (this takes about 15 minutes or so) add the sweet potatoes and rosemary. Cook for another 5-10 minutes, until the sweet potatoes are tender.

Your crust should be about done.

Pull baking sheet out of oven and spread a thin layer of tomato sauce on the crust. Sprinkle the chopped kale  on top of the sauce. Layer onions and potatoes  (in a single layer) on top of kale. Bake in oven for another 10 minutes.

Voila. This is more fork food. My crust was too crumbly to eat like a slice.

The more I think about it-- I like this recipe, it just doesn't replace pizza.

Bring it World.

Fair warning: long post. But entertaining. I think. Also. Not food related. Unless you count the references to turkey sandwiches and rotisserie chickens

It has been a ridiculous month. I've abandoned any semblance of even a vegetarian diet. The contents of my refrigerator just confuses me, but really due to events (which will be explained if you decide to keep reading) I've reached the point of not caring. Rotisserie chicken? Sure why not. Hospital Turkey sandwich? If it'll keep the morphine from making me vomit, bring it.

Its not that I don't care..... its mostly that I don't have any energy to care. (I've stayed mostly paleo bootcampers, just fyi)

I've been cycling through bouts of crying, laughing hysterically, and screaming my fool head off in an attempt to process the events of the past three weeks.

Portland is a lovely place and like Seattle, it is subject to lots and lots of rain. I tell people I grew up in a puddle.

However, it is usually my preference that this puddle stay outside of my home....

My roommate and I came home after a very long twelve hour day, to find our apartment under water ---well 1 to 2 inches of standing water covering the entire floor--- and Moe the dog looking horribly guilty "I only peed a little in the corner"

The simultaneous need to laugh, vomit and cry hit me like a bus as I stepped onto the sopping rugs and felt the water disperse on either side of my stocking feet. 

Squish. Splash. Squish. Splash. 

I picked up a sopping pair of boots and the knit gloves I'd been working on for my sister. A little squeeze and water rained down. Just things right?? 

The next few days were chaotic. Danielle and I salvaged as much as we could. Wonderful friends took us in, until we had thoroughly convinced Francine, our landlord, that no our apartment was not tenable in its current state. Yes that was actually brought into question.   No we cannot simply lay some towels down. 

So. We had to move. Don't worry, the timing couldn't be better. January is ideal for moving, I'm rolling in the moolah, and its not like Danielle is leaving for a fantastic month-long dream-achieving adventure. 

Oh wait...

The apartment searched ensued. The Suz helped me search through the lovely North Portland neighborhood on rainy Sunday afternoon...

Apt 1

Description: A cute, cozy studio in the heart of the Kenton neighborhood.

Actuality: a comically small 180 sq ft shit hole, five blocks from the dancing bear.  Plus side? I could stir something on the stove while taking a shower. 

Rent: 695; deposit 1200 (FOR WHAT???), Required year long lease.

Apt. 2

Description: Welcome home to ParkView Terrace (I am already sketched out...). Two br 1 bath pet friendly apartments with access to pool, gym and across from the park. Give us a call and we'll welcome you home! 

Actual: Okay. I didn't make it into the apartments.... We called the number on the GIANT banner out side. 

     Apt. Guy: *grumble* hello?

     Me: Hi I am calling about the the Parkview terrace apartments.

     AG: They aren't open. 

     Me: Excuse me?

     AG: THEY ARENT OPEN, It IS Sunday.... What do you do on Sundays?

     Me: Oh oh I am sorry, I wasn't trying to disturb you, I was just......

     AG: Well I was  sleeping. What do you want anyway?

     Me: Well I did want to view the apartments, but I think I'll go elsewhere....

Apt 3

 Description: Willamette Terrace Apartments, in Cathedral Park area of St. Johns. Cute hood. Sign out front says "Apartment Available"and has a number listed. 

Actual: Again, I didn't get to see the apartment... but another entertaining phone call ensued...

      Little Crazy Old Lady: Hello?

      Me: Hello, I am calling about the apartment available in St. Johns?

      LCOL: Well I don't have any! (sounding very confused....)

      Me: I'm sorry? The Willamette Terrace apartments in St. Johns? There is an apt. available sign?

      LCOL: No no, I don't have any. I just leave that there....

      Me: Oh okay...

      LCOL: But I do have an apt opening up.

     Me: *hits face with hand* okay... great, can you tell me about it?

      LCOL: $695 two bedroom.

      Me: Great. Do you allow Pets?

     LCOL: What kind of pets? We don't allow pets. Well only service pets. But no dogs. So I guess service cats only. You know I have never actually touched a cat?

I can't make this shit up.

In the midst of chaos, I'd abandoned pretty much any semblance of routine. I finally made it back to my early morning bootcamp class a week after the apartment flooded. My little booty family welcomed me with open arms, words of encouragement and offered meals, places to stay and anything I may have needed. Unbelievably blessed to have these people in my life. Feeling great after a kick-ass workout, I started out to my car, with a little bounce in my step.

I took one step off the curb into, what I thought was a shallow puddle but turned out to be a clogged storm drain. Snap crackle pop and I was on the ground, wreathing in pain and swearing profusely. Cue tears and vomit.

One ambulance ride with very attractive men, a shit ton of morphine, vicodin and a turkey sandwich later, I was passed out in the Sunnyside ER. 

Diagnosis: Ripped all the ligaments in my right ankle, bruised the bones in my knees. No driving, no walking, physical therapy in my future. 

Cue insane laughter. 

Danielle rescued me from the hospital and took me home to our swampy apartment. My parents drove all the way down to Portland for the afternoon to make sure my foot was still in fact attached. Suz and Dave took care of me when they could. In spite of all the shittyness, I was reminded I have really wonderful friends and family. 

Barely able to walk, let alone move a couch up the stairs,  my bootcampers and the suz came to my rescue once again,  and moved all of my stuff (and I have A LOT of stuff) in a record 3.5 hours. It was an incredible sign of support. 

I've been sweating along side these folks for only two months and they dropped everything to help a fellow bootcamper out. How did I get so lucky? 

Things are slowly, but surely, getting better, but I'm still having the occasional breakdown in the middle of my kitchen floor.

 Last nights scene: newly-ish single (oh yeah add that to the fun) , strong woman sobbing in the middle of her first solo apartment because her dog ran away and dinner is on fire and shit keeps breaking and there is something living in the wall in her closet. 

Again, I can't make this shit up. 

***Update due to confusion. Things are fine. Moe is back and happy and chasing her tail